N'Joyed.

Please, let this post serve as a warning. To anyone that is looking to buy an N'Joy Purewand for yourself, for your significant other or for a friend this holiday season, this is what will happen to their pussy.

You've been warned.

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Flip Out!

While many of you have come to know me as a fan of the prostate and the toys that stimulate it, you might also wish to know that I'm as inexperienced in the ways of male masturbation sleeves as I am familiar with prostate massagers.

That was until the Tenga Fliphole arrived.

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Gee Thanks, GIGI 2.

When LELO sends you an email asking if they can ship you their new g-spot vibrator to test, you don't say, "Oh, thanks very much, but traditionally I haven't had much luck with g-spot vibrators, so I'll pass." You just say yes. And also thank you. Anything else would be like getting a cooler of caviar shipped to you and deciding it's not really for you. So, when LELO asked if we'd like to try the GIGI 2, there was no discussion. The answer was yes. And thank you.

As I've just intimated, I have a pretty picky vagina when it comes to sex toys. But if anyone's going to convince me that a g-spot vibrator is for me, it's going to be LELO.

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Want To Get Your Fucking Socks Knocked Off?

Well, we have to talk about something. It's going to be really hard for me to be objective about it, so you're just going to have to be fucking patient because I'm about to make a lot of declarative statements about a vibrator. Mmmkay? Here we go.

You need to buy a fucking LELO Ina right fucking now. Do not fucking delay. Buy it for your girlfriend, or wife, or friend who needs to have eleventy orgasms. Buy it for yourself. Buy it for someone you don't even know yet so that when they meet you they'll know how thoughtful you are. Go buy one. Save your pennies if you have to -- I know it's an investment. But just go buy this thing.

Am I being clear enough?

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Why Don't You Shove It Up Your Ass? I'd Be Happy To!

Anyone that reads this here blog knows by now that I'm an ass man. And while yes, that means I'm very much into Violet's ass (eating it, fingering it, fucking it, sucking it), I'm also all about my own tight backdoor.

We've recently ventured into the world of pegging, which, I can't even tell you how world changing that was. And while pegging is fucking hot, sometimes V's not around. And just because we're married and have an unreal sex life doesn't mean I don't also take care of business on my own. And vice versa.

While I want this pretty much always, sometimes your wife goes out of town.

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The One Where I Finally Try the Lelo Bob.

How happy are we to live in this modern age? When sex toys are improving on the daily and prostate massage (and all anal play, really) has gone from some taboo subject to just another part of a well rounded sex life. When the male orgasm has gone from relatively one note compared to the female orgasm, to a whole other level of pleasure when you jam something up their ass.

Mind you, my orgasms are never sad by any stretch, but when you put something up my ass, especially something as brilliantly contoured and smooth as the Lelo Bob, the grunts and groans that emit from me are almost caveman-like by comparison.

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Almost Twins

I think we all remember how much I loved the LELO Ina. In case you need a memory refresher, I called it the best vibrator ever invented, insisted that you go buy it and even included a David Bowie GIF to convince you. I regret to inform you of some devastating news: the Ina 2 is just not as good.

What I've discovered in the blessed task of reviewing sex toys, is that it's truly a game of inches. In the Ina 2's case, it was an inch in the wrong direction.

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Toying with the Aneros.

I've been putting off a review of the Aneros Maximus for quite some time now. During that time, I've tested the toy again and again. Each time, I end up with the same result, this thing is the fucking tits.

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Jimmyjane Casts A Magic Spell On Our Fingertips.

I've had a pretty big crush on Jimmyjane's sex toys for a while now... from afar. For some reason, we'd never met in person before. When Eden Fantasys said they were sending us a Jimmyjane Form 3, I nearly jumped up and down. But once the Form 3 actually arrived, I'll confess to looking at it like a puppy looks at the dot from a laser pointer -- I knew I wanted it, but I just wasn't sure what to do with it.

I have great news. I figured it out. And holy shit, it is way better than a laser pointer.

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